I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
