jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
