He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
