He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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