so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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