Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
