Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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