Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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