I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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