First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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