Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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