My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
