Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
