I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
