Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
