remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
