If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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