i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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