she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
