So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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