party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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