You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize
