I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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