I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
