you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have feelings that need drinking.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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