I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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