I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
