Pregnant stripper...not hot.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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