a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
if i died would you start the facebook group?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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