Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
