Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
