oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
