Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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