He disabled his match.com account in front of me
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
