just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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