We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
