can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
