dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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