I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
