The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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