I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
