I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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