I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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