I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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