I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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