I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
