What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
