2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i wish my penis had a tongue
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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