Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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