He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
we're making bets on your personal life
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
