When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
