Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
