i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
