so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
