hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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