Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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