I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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